Saturday, September 19, 2009
Just The Two of Us
As I sit here practicing the art of avoidance in a way that only those who don't want to deal with their shit can - I am remembering an earlier post. In that post I joked about how I need to leave here. My stay has been extended because there are important decisions regarding my mother that have to be made. Correction - I made the decision two years ago, and no one listened. Funny thing how people wait till things fall totally apart to take action. We've all done it - avoidance.
So, I busy myself with other projects so I don't have to take a good look at the current state of things. The only other time I have felt this way was the week of planning my father's funeral. The stay here has placed me in the extended presence of certain people I have worked hard to avoid. It started with mom becoming sick, my dad's death and the birth of my child. Those events set a chain of events in motion that led to this past week. My Dad is gone, my daughter (best thing that ever happened to me) is here, her father hasn't paid a cent in child support nor has he seen her in months. As I removed people from my life who were Stormy Weather friends, or hangers-on of my ex's (yep, I'm talking about you Ms. I'd rather be big fish in a small pond than a small fish...)or simply couldn't deal with my uppity attitude I felt stronger, yet sad.
Basically, what you've all been witnessing is the slow unraveling of my sense of security in the world and the spiraling into a depression. I'll be fine. I have a baby to take care of, so the necessary steps will be taken and it will get better. I reached out to someone in that unit this week and was shut down in a way that took my breath away due to the sheer unwarranted viciousness of the response.
In the meantime I realize that, while I have good friends, I do not have that unit that some of you are familiar with and rely on. Not really, not at all. I look at my daughter now and think: It's just you and me kid. And I'm okay with that.