Today I had a moment where I experienced a surge of pure rage. Just wanted to slap that shit out of an entire list of people. First (as always) the triflin' ex who has his mamma call me to tell me what he is going to do and never does it. Still not a nickel in child support in one year. He continues to ignore the court order and his daughter who he can visit at day care any day of the week. Did I mention it's around the corner from his lair of shitty deadbeatness?
Members of my family (yep, I am writing this. Fucking deal) who are also triflin'. Those unhappy souls who always feel the need to get in a dig every time they see me and my child then wonder why I don't trip over myself to spend time with them. My dear brother (thank heaven we don't share the same genes)who lives in another country who informed me, after I reached out to him regarding my frustration with the other fam, situation with my mom, my health fears(scheduled biopsy etc.) that my feelings were "garbage" and that "if need be, he will come home to straighten my ass out so I can focus on what needs to be done."
I've said for three years now that we need to probate my Dad's estate, free my mom of her debt and she needs to be in assisted living and move to my city so I can oversee her care. Why? Because even if I live with her there are at least 9 hours out of the day where she is unsupervised and we have been very lucky that I have been here to call 911 when she goes into diabetic shock. My three year old has seen the inside of hospitals and my mom on the floor too many times. The fam? Nah, there is concern about the property, whether or not my mom will be happy, and what my motivations are. Assholes.
I want my mom to live. I want to have a life that does not involve waking up at an ungodly hour to still be late for work. I want to not have to drive on the highway with my child on rain and snow slicked roads, going through my work day stressed out when I make my four calls to my mom and she doesn't pick up once, picking up my daughter knowing that I return to my hometown that I hate for many reasons and cook, clean, catch up on my work, pretend to be happy. I want the degree that I earned to mean something, for my career to not be challenged by the exes lawyer who contacts my supervisors saying that I harassed him when I did the exact opposite and ignored his numerous attempts to contact me after I requested he stop. I want to not be so fucking irritated by listening to my mom constantly contradict me to my child, chastise her for every little thing, or when she's fine to order a ton of shit from QVC, re-arrange furniture, but refuses to do basic things to take care of herself or the house.
I want to do to some of my fam what I did to two of my friends a few months back - cut them loose and let it go. In the meantime, I have started to obtain services for my mom in the home. I cannot fight my brother (who threatened to lawyer up) or the rest of the idiot horde. Fuck it. I've got a daughter to raise and a life to live. When the rage returns, I will remember - and this too shall pass.
I just hope it passes sooner rather than later.
KST,
ReplyDeleteI can understand your frustration with family. Really the only opinions that matter are your's and your brother's. However, being halfway around the world doesn't give him much room to dictate things. Especially not being there to witness first hand what you are experiencing with your mom. I truly feel for you. Hey, if your family feels they can do better give them the opportunity to do so.
As far as your ex goes, if he doesn't want to be a part of his daughter's life that's his loss. I know you've heard that at least a million times, but it really is true. Remember your child needs you right now.
Hey there,
ReplyDeleteI am a new person on the blog so I am going to share my thoughts since it's a blog but I realize that we don't know each other.
Consider this a word from a total and complete stranger!
I commend you for caring so deeply for your mom.
You should place her in assisted living because your daughter has ONE parent and that's you and your daughter needs your energy and attention. Yes, you love your mom but your primary caretaking role must be for your daughter - who you brought into this world.
Assisted living is a great option and you can also hire people to help your mom. Even if she lives in your city, you don't have to visit her every day. Let those who are paid to do their job do their job...and you can call her and see how she is and if she's not answering the phone (and she's not deaf) then she doesn't want to talk. Afterall she knows who's calling.
If she doesn't want to talk with you several times a day, then okay, stop calling!! When she's in assisted living, you can call the staff several times a day and ask how she's doing.
Sometimes, elderly parents want space from their children even when they do need their children.
Sometimes elderly parents feel they are being policed by their adult children when their children are just trying to help them.
There are two sides to look at things that are going on and your mom's side matters too. It matters to her. She may be clinically depressed because of your dad's death. Has she been evaluated for depression?
Many elderly people are not being evaluated for that and there IS medication that they can be taking to help them function normally.
As for your ex and his disinterest in his child, I have met many single mothers who just can not swallow the reality that the man they were impregnated by really didn't want to be a father. Is that fair to the child who is already here to be fatherless? No, it isn't.
You chose pregnancy and you have a wonderful child. Ok.
The man may have just wanted the regular sex and was being irresponsible and now there is an unwanted child in the equation - in HIS mind.
One man told me that he went to court to give up his parental rights and to remove himself from the birth certificate as the father. The mother of his child still could not arrive at the conclusion that he does NOT WANT the child. She kept arguing with him/badgering him...calling him about the birthday parties, school details and Christmas gift ideas!!
She would not move on.
Actions speak louder than words. If he doesn't want her then you can and should go on with your life.
I feel for you.
@JNorris: Thank you for the comment, and I agree with you. My daughter is my life, and I want my mom to be cared for. I think the family (sorta) means well, but they can't see the bigger picture.
ReplyDelete@Black Women: Thank you for the advice regarding assisted living. Your points are all valid and it is helpful to have someone comment who is unbiased. Two things: I call my mom that often to make sure she is ok, and not on the floor in diabetic shock. If she does not answer and I am not in town - someone is sent over to the house -fast. When I obtain care for her, well, then if she doesn't pick up I'll take the hint. :)
As for the ex: I know it's popular to want to regurgitate the popular baby mama/baby daddy narrative. So we are clear: I left him. He wanted to marry me, but I left due to his verbal and what escalated into physical abuse. He was present throughout the pregnancy and signed the paternity affidavit. He was our child's caregiver during the day and worked at night and on weekends. He is choosing this route as a way of punishing me for leaving him. All I have to do is go back and "give him his family back" as he tells his mom. That will never happen.
And no, there were indications that he was abusive - till I became pregnant which is typical.
The issue here is court ordered child support that he has not paid. I find myself at a strange impasse regarding his treatment of me vs. his ability to be a blessing to our daughter if he chooses to.
I wish I could say in a few words or a few sentences what the right thing to do is. I wish I could tell you about your mother and your brother and your daughter and the rest of the family and even the ex and explain why you should do this or that and take notice of what's here and ignore what's over there, but I can't. Life is never that simple where you will always come up with the right answer so I won't.
ReplyDeleteWhat I will say is that just keep doing what feel you need to keep doing and then take a look at yourself now and again and admit to yourself that you might have been wrong but praise yourself when you know that you've been right. Then do the whole thing over again just do it the same or differently you'll know which way to go. Just keep living.
@Curious: I would totally marry you if you were into me. Lol. The rest of you mind your own business. : )
ReplyDelete