Monday, January 25, 2010

Believe it or not...




This is the thing that kept me sane today. As soon as I walked into work today and checked my messages, I got splattered with a fist full of shit from my fam. I returned a call from my Aunt who loves to spread joy, and then checked my email – more joy. Long story condensed into a few sentences: My mom’s health problems continue. Everyone wants to do everything but the obvious because would take away the satisfaction that they get from being miserable. I have, after being treated like the red-headed adopted step-child for years by the majority of my fam, decided to go full-throttle into self-preservation mode. It’s them or me. I chose me because I can. Because I chose to bring someone else into this world who doesn’t deserve to ever taste the shit sandwich they’ve been serving up for the past 36 years. God rest my father’s soul, but even he didn’t stand up for me as he should have.

After months of self-doubt, loathing, hand-wringing, guilt-trippin’ from myself and others - I stopped. I made my position clear, moved back to Columbus to pick up the pieces of my formerly shattered existence and here I am. I still go home, still shop, clean up the house, and take my mom to Dr.’s appointments. What I don’t do is engage in the utter insanity that her family wants me to. Guess what? They don’t like it. So far, I’ve managed to hold back what I really want to say, and cut straight through the BS to get my mother’s immediate needs met.

The ex is still a limp dick (yes, I wrote that) who is only concerned with his own needs. He tries only when completely forced by his friends and family. His most recent statement to me regarding child-support was, “I’ll do what I can.” Thanks you miserable petrified turd. I don’t know about you guys, but bill collectors always respond favorably to me when I tell them “I’ll do what I can.” The truth is, if he would do ¾ of what he is legally required to do, I would be in a position to actually pay for all monthly expenses and save for our daughter's future.

So, today I left my desk several times and went to the bathroom to fight off a full-blown panic/anxiety attack. I made some jokes, ate some carbs and I’m somewhat ok – thanks to googling Knuffle Bunny. Knuffle Bunny happens to me my daughter’s favorite video right now. Watching her talk back to the screen and laugh always makes me smile.

Today, I needed to smile.

6 comments:

  1. It always amazes me when I realize that it's not just me against the world with the world winning, but there are other people with their own worries and concerns doing just as well or as badly as I am. And then I am equally amazed when I see that sometimes it's the simplest things that can help turn a situation around. Long live Knuffle Bunny and the innocence to enjoy it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Every hero story tells a tale of a hero leaving their family for a short time.
    After the hero has learned what is needed - only then is he (she) able to return and do some good for others.
    Maybe it's just time for you to set out on your journey through the wilderness.
    By saving yourself - you'll save your family.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks guys.

    @Curious: Funny how it's the small things that make us feel better.

    @UGB: When I read this comment my reaction was pretty cynical. Funny thing is, I think you may be right. There are two younger ones that will hopefully see the light soon - maybe I can help them in some way...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just discovered your blog, and I can empathize with your situation, I know that things will improve for you and your small person!

    ReplyDelete